A Measured Smash DLC Roster Prediction Script

So Nintendo has finally revealed the entire roster for Super Smash Brother Ultimate. And it’s fucking garbage! I can’t believe Nintendo left out so many amazing characters that would be perfect for Smash Bros. But there is still hope. Nintendo has also announced that there will be additional DLC characters as well. In fact, they already revealed one of them. Piranha Plant. I applaud Nintendo for this choice. It’s great to see them add a character so controversial, yet so brave? Clearly Sakurai’s mind is one above our own. While I doubt we could ever come to fathom the depth of Sakurai’s intellect, this character does give us a window into the madman’s mind. There are five DLC characters left to be announced, and given all of the evidence that has piled up over the last few months, I think we have a pretty good chance at guessing who is left. So without further ado, here are my predictions for the Smash Ultimate DLC roster.

[Obstacle Course]

Sakurai has been feeding us hints about new characters during every direct we have had. During the E3 Direct, we could see a barrel and a rope ladder in the room where Sakurai was talking. This was obviously a hint at King K Rool being a character in Smash. During the August 8th direct, there were two chairs in the background, one yellow and one purple. No one really knew what this meant at first. People thought it was Waluigi, or maybe Rayman, or even Skull Kid. Looking back at it now, it was so blatantly obvious who the chairs were referring to that I won’t even bother repeating it.

But what about the November direct? What secret did Sakurai leave for us this time? Well, did you happen to notice this Japanese man hidden right in front of the camera. I honestly can’t believe I missed it the first time watching. But what does a Japanese man hint at? Well, I did some research and it turns out that the game Super Mario Bros. was actually made by a Japanese man. Now my Japanese is a little rusty but I believe his name is pronounced SHAGGY-ROO Bicycle Pump. Anyway, it turns out this Super Mario Bros game is actually the game that Piranha Plant originated from. Coincidence? No. 

People have rightly pointed out that Piranha Plant itself must be hinting at another character in the game, because why would Sakurai put a fucking piranha plant in the game for no fucking reason? Some people think that Piranha Plant is hinting at Geno’s inclusion, because there was some ad for Super Mario RPG in Japan with some singing piranha plants or some shit, I don’t know. It’s a pretty solid theory, I will admit, but listen to this. Remember that obscure Mario game I mentioned earlier? The one that had Piranha Plant in it? Well, Piranha Plant isn’t even the first enemy you see in that game, it’s the second. The first one is actually Goomba. So I think it’s safe to say that Goomba is going to be our first DLC character.

[Vampire Killer]

Now let’s talk about leaks. Super Smash Bros Ultimate has had tons of leaks all over the internet. And most of them have been shit. But there is one leaker who has constantly been proven right time and again. Vergeben. He correctly leaked Cat, Dog, Snake, and Bird. This person clearly has some insider information, and they have said that a Square Enix character will be coming to Smash as DLC. So I played through every single game Square Enix has ever made to find a character worthy of being included in Smash Bros. And I couldn’t find any. So I’m guessing they are going to just use a character from Super Mario RPG, since the Mario franchise is pretty underrepresented in Smash as it is. I don’t really know who they would pick. None of the characters really stand out to me. Maybe Mallow? Yeah, Mallow.

[Stickerbrush Symphony]

There are shit ton of characters in Smash Ultimate. Too many, in fact. When people first pick up the game, it’s going to be incredibly hard to know where to even start. It also doesn’t help that none of the characters are very relatable. I don’t know what it’s like to be an Italian plumber who eats mushrooms. I’m not physically fit in any way, shape or form. I don’t even know what the fuck is going on with this character. It seems to me like Smash Bros needs to have a character that people can relate to. So I scoured the entire Nintendo franchise to try and find a character that best represented the average Smash Bros fan. And I think I found him. Baby Mario. I don’t really know why, but whenever I browse Smash related Reddit threads, YouTube comments or GameFAQ posts, I’m always reminded of Baby Mario for some reason. It’s the weirdest thing, to be honest.

[Dr Mario]

Now, who says these DLC characters have to even be from a pre-existing Nintendo game? You see, this is the problem with Smash speculation. There are all these rules people come up with that aren’t really rules, they are just patterns. “New fighters have to be relevant” until they aren’t. “A third party can’t have two fighters!” until they do. So why does Nintendo have to add pre-existing characters? That’s why I think we’ll be seeing a brand new character added to Smash. Dr. Baby Mario.

Now before you even say it, I know. Sakurai said that the DLC characters won’t be echo fighters. But I didn’t say that Dr. Baby Mario would be an echo fighter, did I? Let’s look at Dr. Mario. How is he different from Mario? Well, he’s slightly shorter, slightly more powerful, slightly slower, and he has a different down Special. Now what attributes can echo fighters have? Well, they can have slightly different heights, slightly different power levels, slightly different speeds, and they can have different Special moves. So Dr. Mario is clearly not an echo of Mario, meaning Dr. Baby Mario doesn’t have to be an echo of Baby Mario. Checkmate, atheists.

[Avengers Infinity War OST]

Let’s go back to December 26, 2016. On that fateful day, Sakurai held an interview with Denfaminicogamer. This interview took place in Sakurai’s house, where he had a few collectibles lying around. Sakurai explained that he often purchased toys to use as references when making games. The interviewer pointed out one of Sakurai’s toys, a mech from the 1983 anime series Galactic Drifter Vifam. According to Sakurai, he purchased this toy in order to use the included rifle as reference for a game he was working on.

Sakurai obviously used this rifle as reference for a new character in Smash. There is literally no other possible explanation in the universe. There’s no way Sakurai could have used this for a different game, or for an assist trophy. And it’s completely impossible that he just didn’t actually use it. So where is the rifle, dear viewer? None of the new characters so far use rifles, so this toy must be for our last DLC fighter. So, what character in the entire Nintendo canon could Sakurai possibly be planning on adding into the game? Well, isn’t it obvious?

So yeah, there’s my predictions. Best $25 bucks I ever spent.